Now I Know

Have you ever felt that there is something wrong inside of you? Something that you couldn't pin down, you just knew that something wasn't right? Something was different? I've been feeling that way for a while now. I didn't really notice it until Andy and Shelly (in the same day) asked me what was the matter. I told them nothing, I felt fine, I wasn't upset, I wasn't angry, I wasn't sad, but the fact that they both noticed something made me think that I might be missing it. Once I started paying attention, I knew there was something wrong, it felt wrong in my head. I didn't know what was different though, so I couldn't even try to explain what was the matter, even though Shelly tried to listen and to help me.

So yesterday, on my way to work, it suddenly just hit me. Turns out I have writer's block. Let me explain: I have been writing (or scribbling if you prefer) since I could write a coherent sentence. There are voices, (not scary voices), characters, words, paragraphs, entire stories in my head. They've always been there, and I scribble them out onto paper and try to make sense of them. Writing is my outlet, the source from which all of my other creativity springs.

Until I thought about it, I hadn't realized how long it's been since I wrote something down. I've written a little in my journals, I wrote in a travel diary when I went on vacation, and I've written a blog or two, but I haven't written anything creative (or fictionally creative anyway), for a very long time, actually since my grandpa got sick. I don't know if that's what's blocking me, or if it's something else, but I know now that's when I stopped writing. Maybe I've just been ignoring it, I sit down to write and something always comes up, there's always something else to do, but now that I know what's wrong, I'm terrified. I cried when I realized what it was.

It might be hard to understand, but I've never not been able to write before. I've always had that outlet. Writing stories for me is like theapy - it clears my mind, it gives me focus. Suddenly, it's like somebody hit the off switch, there is nothing there anymore. Nothing. Imagine the feeling you would get if you had a vault that was full to bursting with money, and when you opened it, it was empty. That's how I feel now. I made myself sit down to write this blog just to see if it would help, maybe break something loose, but it hasn't. I can't stand it. I don't know what to do.

I will follow you into the dark...

Is it darkness that we fear? Or simply the unknown? Waiting for the dawn as we watch the shadows creep slowly back to their corners, retreating in the face of the awesome power of one star.
What else waits for the slow disappearance of the sun? Slinking slowly toward you as you walk, faster and faster, toward the streetlights. An artificial replacement for our natural defense against what we can not see. Darkness alone is not frightening, it is what the darkness conceals that truely terrifies us.
Hmmm. I guess my paranoia is starting to show. Working on it, I swear.


When I wrote this, and my previous blog, I believe I was afraid of the darkness (metaphorically speaking). So, rather than deal with my fear, it became anger, because anger is, by far, the easiest emotion to deal with much of the time. However, I became increasingly frustrated with myself (as I knew I would when I wrote my other blog), and grew tired of being so angry. So, I went to the source of my fear, and I made myself listen to what I did not want to hear. What it comes down to is, he is not afraid, and if he can be this brave, if he can face this darkness, then I must face it also, because I would rather face it with him than face it alone when he is gone.

Trying My Best

There is a part of me that is sad, broken, bitter, and angry. I used to let that person be in charge. I used to be that person all the time. It took me a long time to let go of the things that turned me into that person. I still hold on to some of them, like I said, there is a part of me that still feels those feelings.
I don't know when I began to change, but I am working on becoming a better person. I searched for, and found, things that make me truely happy. I learned to listen when people tell me that I am somehow worth while to them (I used to think that I wasn't worth much to anyone). I decided that my future will be what I dream it will be. Somewhere there is a man who will love me in spite of my not-so-great appearance and my extreme dorkiness. Someday I will have perfect children. Soon, I will find a house that is just right for me, and a job that I enjoy and that pays me what I think I'm worth. I look for the bright side because that's where I hope to find myself.
Lately, the feelings I mentioned earlier have been starting to creep back up on me. There are things happening around me that I knew were coming, but I didn't want to think about. Now they are staring me in the face and, and instead of the sadness that should have been the normal reaction from me, all I feel is anger. Always anger. I don't want to let this turn me back into the person that I've worked so hard to leave behind.
So, I try to remember that I can't change the unchangable. I will try to deal with things as they happen, and try to let go of the anger. I know that it won't be easy, but I'm not that person anymore, and all I can do is try.

Wishing I Could Fly...

Our greatest sorrow?
That we were not given wings,
To fly up to heaven,
Among other things.

Life, Love, and Paintball

I have discovered some interesting things recently, most of them centering around my first paintball experience. At the time, all that I could really focus on was the pain - those paintballs hurt, you should have seen my bruises and welts - but now that I have had about a week to reflect, there were actually some lessons to be learned from the game (I use that term loosely) they call paintball:
* Even though you think you can improvise and still win, going into battle without a plan is never a good idea
* Having the best weapon on your team will do you no good if you don't know how to control the stupid thing
* Just because you look freakin' awesome in the gear, it doesn't mean you will be any good when you get onto the battlefield
* Watching your back doesn't help when they're coming at you from all sides
* Four reasonably intelligent and mature (I use that term loosely) adults are no match for six twelve-year-old boys with paintball experience, camo, and a plan
* Charging straight up the middle will not work unless you manage to take out members of the other team
* If the other team doesn't know that you're out, they will keep shooting at you, so make sure they know you're out!
I had doubts, but paintball is actually fun - next time I want to play against other adults that are as hopeless as I am at the game! Had we been better prepared, perhaps my teammates and I would have come out with a few less bruises and at least one win. As it was, we came out with nothing but paint covered clothes, some sweet pictures, and a few lessons that can be applied metaphorically to any situation you may find yourself in.

* This self-help blog was brought to you by Dr. Dottie - next time I charge my regular rates for psycological therapy.

Many, many questions

"Thus I am in one person many people,
And none of them contented." - Shakespeare

There are two parts to this statement, the first part, I believe, could be said to be true of most people. Is the person that you are today going to be the same person that you are tomorrow? Does the person that I am change each time I am faced with a different situation? After careful evaluation, I have decided that the statement above, at least the first part, does apply to myself. I am, by turns, a happy person, a sad person, a sympathetic person, an angry person - I am weak, strong, defensive, accepting, understanding, stubborn - I am all of these things, but never all of them at the same time. That, I think, would be a difficult undertaking. These are all broad generalizations of personality traits, of course. I realize that it is possible to be more than one thing at a time, it would just be difficult to be everything at one time. With the quickness of the human brain - which can sometimes lead to trouble - we can evaluate a situation and decide which 'person' is required at the moment. Without this ability, a situation could quickly turn ugly. However, it leads me to a feeling of duplicity, making me think that we are only saying what others wish to hear, or reacting in the way that they think we should react.

The second part of this statement is also true of myself, I think. I am not content with the 'people' that I am. I aspire to be something better, something more true. I don't want to have to change who I am every time I turn around. I want to be able to be honest without fear of some sort of rebuke. I tire of being afraid that I am about to hurt someone's feelings because I didn't realize that I needed to be the sympathetic person instead of the stubborn one. The task I set before myself is doubly difficult because, not only must I change my natural reactions (changing 'people' at will), I must be prepared to accecpt, and perhaps to try and change, the reactions of others to my unwillingness to become a different 'person.' Not sure which of the two will turn out to be the most difficult. Perhaps the reason we change the person that we are so often is because we are searching for which of them is the truest. Trying to find which of them we are content being. Can I ever be truely content if I am never sure which person I am? What if I never find that person? Am I doomed to a life of discontent because I don't know which person to be? Are we all? Do I simply settle for being the person that is the least discontented? I wonder if I would be satisfied if I ever did find contentment. Being so used to the constant change of 'people' that I am, would I truely be comfortable with it when I found the one that is actually me?

Random Things About Me

I question my abilities every day, and I have to prove to myself that I am capable over and over again.
When you do something stupid, I will laugh at you. I expect the same in return.
It is difficult for me to trust people.
I am clumsy - I walk into things, I trip over nothing, and I have a habit of bumping my head on things - hard.
Do not question my loyalty, you will lose it.
I like the feeling I get when I can make somebody smile.
It is nothing personal, but when I am upset, I DO NOT want to talk about it.
I am fascinated by geology and astronomy, but I lack a truely scientific brain.
I do not like it when people tell me something just to see what kind of a reaction they will get.
There is a soundtrack to my life, it plays endlessly in my head.
I believe in love at first sight, second sight, third sight, 100th sight...
I hate it when people refuse to get to the point.
I am not uncomfortable with silence, time spent not talking is not necessarily time wasted.
I want, very much, to own my own house.
I like to go bowling even though I'm terrible at it.
There is nothing more important to me than my family.
I love to sing, but only when no one can hear me.
I am picky about EVERYTHING, don't take it personally.
There are four people in the world who can make me laugh until I cry - they know exactly who they are.
I love to walk in the snow, but I hate to drive in it.
I like to look up words in the dictionary.
I want to travel across the country by train, just once.
I think lilies are prettier than roses.
There's nothing more fun than a roller coaster.
My mind wanders a lot.
The way to my heart? Shakespeare.