Now I Know

Have you ever felt that there is something wrong inside of you? Something that you couldn't pin down, you just knew that something wasn't right? Something was different? I've been feeling that way for a while now. I didn't really notice it until Andy and Shelly (in the same day) asked me what was the matter. I told them nothing, I felt fine, I wasn't upset, I wasn't angry, I wasn't sad, but the fact that they both noticed something made me think that I might be missing it. Once I started paying attention, I knew there was something wrong, it felt wrong in my head. I didn't know what was different though, so I couldn't even try to explain what was the matter, even though Shelly tried to listen and to help me.

So yesterday, on my way to work, it suddenly just hit me. Turns out I have writer's block. Let me explain: I have been writing (or scribbling if you prefer) since I could write a coherent sentence. There are voices, (not scary voices), characters, words, paragraphs, entire stories in my head. They've always been there, and I scribble them out onto paper and try to make sense of them. Writing is my outlet, the source from which all of my other creativity springs.

Until I thought about it, I hadn't realized how long it's been since I wrote something down. I've written a little in my journals, I wrote in a travel diary when I went on vacation, and I've written a blog or two, but I haven't written anything creative (or fictionally creative anyway), for a very long time, actually since my grandpa got sick. I don't know if that's what's blocking me, or if it's something else, but I know now that's when I stopped writing. Maybe I've just been ignoring it, I sit down to write and something always comes up, there's always something else to do, but now that I know what's wrong, I'm terrified. I cried when I realized what it was.

It might be hard to understand, but I've never not been able to write before. I've always had that outlet. Writing stories for me is like theapy - it clears my mind, it gives me focus. Suddenly, it's like somebody hit the off switch, there is nothing there anymore. Nothing. Imagine the feeling you would get if you had a vault that was full to bursting with money, and when you opened it, it was empty. That's how I feel now. I made myself sit down to write this blog just to see if it would help, maybe break something loose, but it hasn't. I can't stand it. I don't know what to do.