"Thus I am in one person many people,
And none of them contented." - Shakespeare
There are two parts to this statement, the first part, I believe, could be said to be true of most people. Is the person that you are today going to be the same person that you are tomorrow? Does the person that I am change each time I am faced with a different situation? After careful evaluation, I have decided that the statement above, at least the first part, does apply to myself. I am, by turns, a happy person, a sad person, a sympathetic person, an angry person - I am weak, strong, defensive, accepting, understanding, stubborn - I am all of these things, but never all of them at the same time. That, I think, would be a difficult undertaking. These are all broad generalizations of personality traits, of course. I realize that it is possible to be more than one thing at a time, it would just be difficult to be everything at one time. With the quickness of the human brain - which can sometimes lead to trouble - we can evaluate a situation and decide which 'person' is required at the moment. Without this ability, a situation could quickly turn ugly. However, it leads me to a feeling of duplicity, making me think that we are only saying what others wish to hear, or reacting in the way that they think we should react.
The second part of this statement is also true of myself, I think. I am not content with the 'people' that I am. I aspire to be something better, something more true. I don't want to have to change who I am every time I turn around. I want to be able to be honest without fear of some sort of rebuke. I tire of being afraid that I am about to hurt someone's feelings because I didn't realize that I needed to be the sympathetic person instead of the stubborn one. The task I set before myself is doubly difficult because, not only must I change my natural reactions (changing 'people' at will), I must be prepared to accecpt, and perhaps to try and change, the reactions of others to my unwillingness to become a different 'person.' Not sure which of the two will turn out to be the most difficult. Perhaps the reason we change the person that we are so often is because we are searching for which of them is the truest. Trying to find which of them we are content being. Can I ever be truely content if I am never sure which person I am? What if I never find that person? Am I doomed to a life of discontent because I don't know which person to be? Are we all? Do I simply settle for being the person that is the least discontented? I wonder if I would be satisfied if I ever did find contentment. Being so used to the constant change of 'people' that I am, would I truely be comfortable with it when I found the one that is actually me?
Thursday, October 5, 2006
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
Random Things About Me
I question my abilities every day, and I have to prove to myself that I am capable over and over again.
When you do something stupid, I will laugh at you. I expect the same in return.
It is difficult for me to trust people.
I am clumsy - I walk into things, I trip over nothing, and I have a habit of bumping my head on things - hard.
Do not question my loyalty, you will lose it.
I like the feeling I get when I can make somebody smile.
It is nothing personal, but when I am upset, I DO NOT want to talk about it.
I am fascinated by geology and astronomy, but I lack a truely scientific brain.
I do not like it when people tell me something just to see what kind of a reaction they will get.
There is a soundtrack to my life, it plays endlessly in my head.
I believe in love at first sight, second sight, third sight, 100th sight...
I hate it when people refuse to get to the point.
I am not uncomfortable with silence, time spent not talking is not necessarily time wasted.
I want, very much, to own my own house.
I like to go bowling even though I'm terrible at it.
There is nothing more important to me than my family.
I love to sing, but only when no one can hear me.
I am picky about EVERYTHING, don't take it personally.
There are four people in the world who can make me laugh until I cry - they know exactly who they are.
I love to walk in the snow, but I hate to drive in it.
I like to look up words in the dictionary.
I want to travel across the country by train, just once.
I think lilies are prettier than roses.
There's nothing more fun than a roller coaster.
My mind wanders a lot.
The way to my heart? Shakespeare.
When you do something stupid, I will laugh at you. I expect the same in return.
It is difficult for me to trust people.
I am clumsy - I walk into things, I trip over nothing, and I have a habit of bumping my head on things - hard.
Do not question my loyalty, you will lose it.
I like the feeling I get when I can make somebody smile.
It is nothing personal, but when I am upset, I DO NOT want to talk about it.
I am fascinated by geology and astronomy, but I lack a truely scientific brain.
I do not like it when people tell me something just to see what kind of a reaction they will get.
There is a soundtrack to my life, it plays endlessly in my head.
I believe in love at first sight, second sight, third sight, 100th sight...
I hate it when people refuse to get to the point.
I am not uncomfortable with silence, time spent not talking is not necessarily time wasted.
I want, very much, to own my own house.
I like to go bowling even though I'm terrible at it.
There is nothing more important to me than my family.
I love to sing, but only when no one can hear me.
I am picky about EVERYTHING, don't take it personally.
There are four people in the world who can make me laugh until I cry - they know exactly who they are.
I love to walk in the snow, but I hate to drive in it.
I like to look up words in the dictionary.
I want to travel across the country by train, just once.
I think lilies are prettier than roses.
There's nothing more fun than a roller coaster.
My mind wanders a lot.
The way to my heart? Shakespeare.
Wednesday, August 9, 2006
What is it with people?
Why do people assume that I am unaware of my physical appearance? Is there something in my face that conveys the idea that I am stupid, or deaf? Perhaps this would not bother me so much if it hadn't happened more than once, but there have been quite a few occasions when a person (or people) - that I do not know - will make comments about my appearance - my weight, my face, anything is fair game - and they obviously don't care if I hear them. Do these people think that I need them to point out the things that are wrong with me? Do they think that I don't look at myself in a mirror every day and realize how ugly I am? I KNOW that I weigh too much, I KNOW that I will never win a beauty contest with the face that I have. It's not like I don't care about how I look - I do the best I can with what I've got - but I'm smart enough to realize where the line is between trying to improve my looks and trying too hard. When I say that I am ugly I am not fishing for compliments and I do not suffer from low self-esteem - my self-esteem is actually pretty balanced, I recognize the good and the bad things about myself, the things that I want to change and the things that I can do nothing about. I can't change my face - ok there are ways, but I refuse to do anything drastic. I'm ok with who I am because, believe it or not, there are people who love me in spite of what I look like, and that is enough for me. It's enough for ME. Why can't people just shut up and let it be enough for them?
Sunday, July 23, 2006
The Only Thing We Have to Fear...
I am afaid of the water - this is something that I have been working on overcoming. Just to clarify, I'm not afraid of running water, I am afraid of standing water, water that has the ability to close in over my head and drown me. That is that kind of water that I am afraid of.
The only time I can remember being close to actual, uncontrollable panic was a few years ago when I fell off a jet ski and into unfathomable depths of Bear Lake (ok, I'm sure it's fathomable, but at the time it may as well have been the middle of the Pacific). Feeling myself losing control was one of the worst things I have ever experienced. Even with a life jacket on it felt as if something was pushing me down and intended to hold me under. Fortunately, the feeling didn't last long, but it lasted long enough.
As I said, I have been working on overcoming this fear. Telling myself, 'it's only water, it's only water, it's only water,' again and again to try and quell the panic rising through my stomach, to my chest, and into my throat. I haven't managed to will myself into water that is over my head without restraining my body with the overactivity of my brain, but I imagine I shall get there someday. Besides, I have other, more terrifying things to be afraid of - like the dark. That, I am afraid, there is no cure for. That is a fear that I will never overcome.
The only time I can remember being close to actual, uncontrollable panic was a few years ago when I fell off a jet ski and into unfathomable depths of Bear Lake (ok, I'm sure it's fathomable, but at the time it may as well have been the middle of the Pacific). Feeling myself losing control was one of the worst things I have ever experienced. Even with a life jacket on it felt as if something was pushing me down and intended to hold me under. Fortunately, the feeling didn't last long, but it lasted long enough.
As I said, I have been working on overcoming this fear. Telling myself, 'it's only water, it's only water, it's only water,' again and again to try and quell the panic rising through my stomach, to my chest, and into my throat. I haven't managed to will myself into water that is over my head without restraining my body with the overactivity of my brain, but I imagine I shall get there someday. Besides, I have other, more terrifying things to be afraid of - like the dark. That, I am afraid, there is no cure for. That is a fear that I will never overcome.
Saturday, July 15, 2006
(In)visible
I have discovered that it is entirely possible for a person to be invisible. I feel this way sometimes. Not like people can't see me, I take up space, so it's obvious that I'm there, but invisible as if I have faded into the background. Whenever I'm with people, because I'm often afraid to talk and bring myself to everyone's attention, I can feel myself disappearing.
Turning into a desperate shadow, sometimes someone will turn, smile, maybe ask a question that requires a one word answer. Then the colors start to fill back in, the light catches the shiny emptiness of my eyes, and someone can see me for the briefest of moments.
But there are better, more interesting people to focus on. They shine like flares on a dark highway, and all eyes are drawn toward them. I am the darkness, the slight gloom that must be looked through to find the source of the blinding, beautiful light.
I am also drawn to the beacons, but hover on the edge, slowly changing into seven shades of grey. Then slowly losing solidity as people begin to walk through me, I'm brushing their skin as if I were a sticky spider's web that they couldn't see until it was too late. Too late to move aside and avoid tearing apart a web so beautiful, a thing so strange, a creation worthy of study. A web that has a thousand intricacies; lines, curves, the lightest of grips on the solid world around it.
They tear me apart and then brush me aside, leaving pieces of me floating down to the ground, where they are stepped on and forgotten. Easy to forget because they are nearly invisible.
Turning into a desperate shadow, sometimes someone will turn, smile, maybe ask a question that requires a one word answer. Then the colors start to fill back in, the light catches the shiny emptiness of my eyes, and someone can see me for the briefest of moments.
But there are better, more interesting people to focus on. They shine like flares on a dark highway, and all eyes are drawn toward them. I am the darkness, the slight gloom that must be looked through to find the source of the blinding, beautiful light.
I am also drawn to the beacons, but hover on the edge, slowly changing into seven shades of grey. Then slowly losing solidity as people begin to walk through me, I'm brushing their skin as if I were a sticky spider's web that they couldn't see until it was too late. Too late to move aside and avoid tearing apart a web so beautiful, a thing so strange, a creation worthy of study. A web that has a thousand intricacies; lines, curves, the lightest of grips on the solid world around it.
They tear me apart and then brush me aside, leaving pieces of me floating down to the ground, where they are stepped on and forgotten. Easy to forget because they are nearly invisible.
Saturday, June 24, 2006
Bloggy Blog Blog
There probably isn't anybody who will be reading this blog, but I'll be posting my thoughts here, mostly for my own mental relief, and sometimes for my own amusement. I have found something interesting about myself (well, something that I think is interesting because I never realized it before). I like words - for a lot of different reasons. Some words I like because of the meaning behind them, sometimes I like words for the history behind them, and I like some words just because of the way the sound when you say them.
The ability to take a group of words, sort them, order them, and make them into a logical statement, thought, expression etc., is something that I find fascinating about humans. Changing one word in a sentence can change the entire meaning. Changing the tone of your voice when you say one word can change the meaning and convey an entirely different intent to the person who is listening.
However, it isn't the intent behind a word that interests me, it is simply the word itself that catches my interest. Here are some of the words that I like:
staccato - the way the word is said sort of demonstrates the meaning
bombastic - I just like to say this word
scramble - 'to move with urgency or panic', 'to struggle eagerly or unceremoniously for possession of something' - I like these two meanings in particular
wings - I wish I could fly
envelope - pronounciation is key (or is it?)
I am always listening and looking for new words - I like to find words that I can't pronounce so that I can butcher them before I look up the actual pronounciation in the dictionary. OK, I'm a geek, I'll stop now.
The ability to take a group of words, sort them, order them, and make them into a logical statement, thought, expression etc., is something that I find fascinating about humans. Changing one word in a sentence can change the entire meaning. Changing the tone of your voice when you say one word can change the meaning and convey an entirely different intent to the person who is listening.
However, it isn't the intent behind a word that interests me, it is simply the word itself that catches my interest. Here are some of the words that I like:
staccato - the way the word is said sort of demonstrates the meaning
bombastic - I just like to say this word
scramble - 'to move with urgency or panic', 'to struggle eagerly or unceremoniously for possession of something' - I like these two meanings in particular
wings - I wish I could fly
envelope - pronounciation is key (or is it?)
I am always listening and looking for new words - I like to find words that I can't pronounce so that I can butcher them before I look up the actual pronounciation in the dictionary. OK, I'm a geek, I'll stop now.
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