Wednesday, August 9, 2006
What is it with people?
Why do people assume that I am unaware of my physical appearance? Is there something in my face that conveys the idea that I am stupid, or deaf? Perhaps this would not bother me so much if it hadn't happened more than once, but there have been quite a few occasions when a person (or people) - that I do not know - will make comments about my appearance - my weight, my face, anything is fair game - and they obviously don't care if I hear them. Do these people think that I need them to point out the things that are wrong with me? Do they think that I don't look at myself in a mirror every day and realize how ugly I am? I KNOW that I weigh too much, I KNOW that I will never win a beauty contest with the face that I have. It's not like I don't care about how I look - I do the best I can with what I've got - but I'm smart enough to realize where the line is between trying to improve my looks and trying too hard. When I say that I am ugly I am not fishing for compliments and I do not suffer from low self-esteem - my self-esteem is actually pretty balanced, I recognize the good and the bad things about myself, the things that I want to change and the things that I can do nothing about. I can't change my face - ok there are ways, but I refuse to do anything drastic. I'm ok with who I am because, believe it or not, there are people who love me in spite of what I look like, and that is enough for me. It's enough for ME. Why can't people just shut up and let it be enough for them?
Sunday, July 23, 2006
The Only Thing We Have to Fear...
I am afaid of the water - this is something that I have been working on overcoming. Just to clarify, I'm not afraid of running water, I am afraid of standing water, water that has the ability to close in over my head and drown me. That is that kind of water that I am afraid of.
The only time I can remember being close to actual, uncontrollable panic was a few years ago when I fell off a jet ski and into unfathomable depths of Bear Lake (ok, I'm sure it's fathomable, but at the time it may as well have been the middle of the Pacific). Feeling myself losing control was one of the worst things I have ever experienced. Even with a life jacket on it felt as if something was pushing me down and intended to hold me under. Fortunately, the feeling didn't last long, but it lasted long enough.
As I said, I have been working on overcoming this fear. Telling myself, 'it's only water, it's only water, it's only water,' again and again to try and quell the panic rising through my stomach, to my chest, and into my throat. I haven't managed to will myself into water that is over my head without restraining my body with the overactivity of my brain, but I imagine I shall get there someday. Besides, I have other, more terrifying things to be afraid of - like the dark. That, I am afraid, there is no cure for. That is a fear that I will never overcome.
The only time I can remember being close to actual, uncontrollable panic was a few years ago when I fell off a jet ski and into unfathomable depths of Bear Lake (ok, I'm sure it's fathomable, but at the time it may as well have been the middle of the Pacific). Feeling myself losing control was one of the worst things I have ever experienced. Even with a life jacket on it felt as if something was pushing me down and intended to hold me under. Fortunately, the feeling didn't last long, but it lasted long enough.
As I said, I have been working on overcoming this fear. Telling myself, 'it's only water, it's only water, it's only water,' again and again to try and quell the panic rising through my stomach, to my chest, and into my throat. I haven't managed to will myself into water that is over my head without restraining my body with the overactivity of my brain, but I imagine I shall get there someday. Besides, I have other, more terrifying things to be afraid of - like the dark. That, I am afraid, there is no cure for. That is a fear that I will never overcome.
Saturday, July 15, 2006
(In)visible
I have discovered that it is entirely possible for a person to be invisible. I feel this way sometimes. Not like people can't see me, I take up space, so it's obvious that I'm there, but invisible as if I have faded into the background. Whenever I'm with people, because I'm often afraid to talk and bring myself to everyone's attention, I can feel myself disappearing.
Turning into a desperate shadow, sometimes someone will turn, smile, maybe ask a question that requires a one word answer. Then the colors start to fill back in, the light catches the shiny emptiness of my eyes, and someone can see me for the briefest of moments.
But there are better, more interesting people to focus on. They shine like flares on a dark highway, and all eyes are drawn toward them. I am the darkness, the slight gloom that must be looked through to find the source of the blinding, beautiful light.
I am also drawn to the beacons, but hover on the edge, slowly changing into seven shades of grey. Then slowly losing solidity as people begin to walk through me, I'm brushing their skin as if I were a sticky spider's web that they couldn't see until it was too late. Too late to move aside and avoid tearing apart a web so beautiful, a thing so strange, a creation worthy of study. A web that has a thousand intricacies; lines, curves, the lightest of grips on the solid world around it.
They tear me apart and then brush me aside, leaving pieces of me floating down to the ground, where they are stepped on and forgotten. Easy to forget because they are nearly invisible.
Turning into a desperate shadow, sometimes someone will turn, smile, maybe ask a question that requires a one word answer. Then the colors start to fill back in, the light catches the shiny emptiness of my eyes, and someone can see me for the briefest of moments.
But there are better, more interesting people to focus on. They shine like flares on a dark highway, and all eyes are drawn toward them. I am the darkness, the slight gloom that must be looked through to find the source of the blinding, beautiful light.
I am also drawn to the beacons, but hover on the edge, slowly changing into seven shades of grey. Then slowly losing solidity as people begin to walk through me, I'm brushing their skin as if I were a sticky spider's web that they couldn't see until it was too late. Too late to move aside and avoid tearing apart a web so beautiful, a thing so strange, a creation worthy of study. A web that has a thousand intricacies; lines, curves, the lightest of grips on the solid world around it.
They tear me apart and then brush me aside, leaving pieces of me floating down to the ground, where they are stepped on and forgotten. Easy to forget because they are nearly invisible.
Saturday, June 24, 2006
Bloggy Blog Blog
There probably isn't anybody who will be reading this blog, but I'll be posting my thoughts here, mostly for my own mental relief, and sometimes for my own amusement. I have found something interesting about myself (well, something that I think is interesting because I never realized it before). I like words - for a lot of different reasons. Some words I like because of the meaning behind them, sometimes I like words for the history behind them, and I like some words just because of the way the sound when you say them.
The ability to take a group of words, sort them, order them, and make them into a logical statement, thought, expression etc., is something that I find fascinating about humans. Changing one word in a sentence can change the entire meaning. Changing the tone of your voice when you say one word can change the meaning and convey an entirely different intent to the person who is listening.
However, it isn't the intent behind a word that interests me, it is simply the word itself that catches my interest. Here are some of the words that I like:
staccato - the way the word is said sort of demonstrates the meaning
bombastic - I just like to say this word
scramble - 'to move with urgency or panic', 'to struggle eagerly or unceremoniously for possession of something' - I like these two meanings in particular
wings - I wish I could fly
envelope - pronounciation is key (or is it?)
I am always listening and looking for new words - I like to find words that I can't pronounce so that I can butcher them before I look up the actual pronounciation in the dictionary. OK, I'm a geek, I'll stop now.
The ability to take a group of words, sort them, order them, and make them into a logical statement, thought, expression etc., is something that I find fascinating about humans. Changing one word in a sentence can change the entire meaning. Changing the tone of your voice when you say one word can change the meaning and convey an entirely different intent to the person who is listening.
However, it isn't the intent behind a word that interests me, it is simply the word itself that catches my interest. Here are some of the words that I like:
staccato - the way the word is said sort of demonstrates the meaning
bombastic - I just like to say this word
scramble - 'to move with urgency or panic', 'to struggle eagerly or unceremoniously for possession of something' - I like these two meanings in particular
wings - I wish I could fly
envelope - pronounciation is key (or is it?)
I am always listening and looking for new words - I like to find words that I can't pronounce so that I can butcher them before I look up the actual pronounciation in the dictionary. OK, I'm a geek, I'll stop now.
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