I will follow you into the dark...

Is it darkness that we fear? Or simply the unknown? Waiting for the dawn as we watch the shadows creep slowly back to their corners, retreating in the face of the awesome power of one star.
What else waits for the slow disappearance of the sun? Slinking slowly toward you as you walk, faster and faster, toward the streetlights. An artificial replacement for our natural defense against what we can not see. Darkness alone is not frightening, it is what the darkness conceals that truely terrifies us.
Hmmm. I guess my paranoia is starting to show. Working on it, I swear.


When I wrote this, and my previous blog, I believe I was afraid of the darkness (metaphorically speaking). So, rather than deal with my fear, it became anger, because anger is, by far, the easiest emotion to deal with much of the time. However, I became increasingly frustrated with myself (as I knew I would when I wrote my other blog), and grew tired of being so angry. So, I went to the source of my fear, and I made myself listen to what I did not want to hear. What it comes down to is, he is not afraid, and if he can be this brave, if he can face this darkness, then I must face it also, because I would rather face it with him than face it alone when he is gone.

Trying My Best

There is a part of me that is sad, broken, bitter, and angry. I used to let that person be in charge. I used to be that person all the time. It took me a long time to let go of the things that turned me into that person. I still hold on to some of them, like I said, there is a part of me that still feels those feelings.
I don't know when I began to change, but I am working on becoming a better person. I searched for, and found, things that make me truely happy. I learned to listen when people tell me that I am somehow worth while to them (I used to think that I wasn't worth much to anyone). I decided that my future will be what I dream it will be. Somewhere there is a man who will love me in spite of my not-so-great appearance and my extreme dorkiness. Someday I will have perfect children. Soon, I will find a house that is just right for me, and a job that I enjoy and that pays me what I think I'm worth. I look for the bright side because that's where I hope to find myself.
Lately, the feelings I mentioned earlier have been starting to creep back up on me. There are things happening around me that I knew were coming, but I didn't want to think about. Now they are staring me in the face and, and instead of the sadness that should have been the normal reaction from me, all I feel is anger. Always anger. I don't want to let this turn me back into the person that I've worked so hard to leave behind.
So, I try to remember that I can't change the unchangable. I will try to deal with things as they happen, and try to let go of the anger. I know that it won't be easy, but I'm not that person anymore, and all I can do is try.

Wishing I Could Fly...

Our greatest sorrow?
That we were not given wings,
To fly up to heaven,
Among other things.

Life, Love, and Paintball

I have discovered some interesting things recently, most of them centering around my first paintball experience. At the time, all that I could really focus on was the pain - those paintballs hurt, you should have seen my bruises and welts - but now that I have had about a week to reflect, there were actually some lessons to be learned from the game (I use that term loosely) they call paintball:
* Even though you think you can improvise and still win, going into battle without a plan is never a good idea
* Having the best weapon on your team will do you no good if you don't know how to control the stupid thing
* Just because you look freakin' awesome in the gear, it doesn't mean you will be any good when you get onto the battlefield
* Watching your back doesn't help when they're coming at you from all sides
* Four reasonably intelligent and mature (I use that term loosely) adults are no match for six twelve-year-old boys with paintball experience, camo, and a plan
* Charging straight up the middle will not work unless you manage to take out members of the other team
* If the other team doesn't know that you're out, they will keep shooting at you, so make sure they know you're out!
I had doubts, but paintball is actually fun - next time I want to play against other adults that are as hopeless as I am at the game! Had we been better prepared, perhaps my teammates and I would have come out with a few less bruises and at least one win. As it was, we came out with nothing but paint covered clothes, some sweet pictures, and a few lessons that can be applied metaphorically to any situation you may find yourself in.

* This self-help blog was brought to you by Dr. Dottie - next time I charge my regular rates for psycological therapy.