You Can't Stop It

How would you handle it if you knew that death was coming for someone you loved, and there wasn't a thing you could do to stop it? How about two people you loved? How would you feel if you saw one of them fight with absolutely everything they had and still struggle on through all of the pain, while the other one simply gave up and refused to even try? Would you be angry? Maybe you would be understanding, knowing that we are not all the same, we do not all possess the same brand of strenth. Right now, I don't know what to feel. The only thing I know is that he is still here, and soon, very soon, she will not be.

Hmmmm....What's Going On?

I think my family, or at least my sisters, are taking advantage of me in my weakened state. I know that I was pretty out of it for a while because of the pain killers, and the insomnia sure didn't make me any more lucid. A lot of the time recently, I feel like I've seen or heard something before, but I can't quite remember where. I think they must be things that happened just after my surgery and that's why I can't remember, but my sisters always act like they don't know what I'm talking about and then they laugh at me, which makes me think that they know exactly what I'm talking about and just want to mess with me. They better hope that they don't ever end up on pain killers, 'cause I will make them pay!

Stupid Pain Killers

It's been a week since my surgery and I am honestly surprised at how little I actually hurt. As long as I don't make any sudden movements and don't stretch my arms too far, the pain is pretty minimal. I've been taking pain killers a couple of times a day and they help, but they make me seriously loopy. And, it turns out that one of the side effects of the pain killers is insomnia, which would explain why I haven't slept in two days. Tonia and Helen came to see me yesterday and took me to lunch. I don't remember half of what I said, I'm pretty sure I sounded like an idiot most of the time, but it was still good to see them! The doctor told me to get off the pain pills as fast as I could, so I think I'll probably call him and ask if it's ok if I stop taking them. If I can get by on Tylenol that's exactly what I'm gonna do.
P.S. Everything went well, just in case I wasn't clear! I was so scared that my blood pressure went through the roof and the anesthesiolgist wouldn't put me under until I calmed down, but after that, it was smooth sailing. Now it's me minus nine pounds of tissue (that's right, nine freakin' pounds)!

I Think I'm Gonna Be Sick

So, the surgery is tomorrow. I'm am so scared right now. I'm at work, so that gives me something to distract my mind, but when I'm on my breaks all I can do is think about tomorrow, and I really feel like I'm gonna throw up. I know everything will be fine, but I can't help being scared. Deep breath - twenty four hours from now, it will be over and I'm never gonna regret it - ever.

Good News/Bad News

Good news: no problems with the biopsy! Turns out it's just a cyst, which will hurt sometimes, but won't cause me any serious health problems. Whew! Bad news: no house, but I wasn't very hopeful on that front anyway. Just finishing up moving all of my crap into a storage unit and getting everything else to my parents' house before my surgery. I've got almost everything packed up, I just need help moving the bigger furniture out because I don't have a truck. Jason said he would help me, so it shouldn't take too long. The closer I get to the actual day, the more nervous I'm getting, but I just keep telling myself that I'm doing to make myself feel better. It's gonna pay off, I know it.

So I Thought I Was Scared Before...

My doctor told me that I had to have a mammogram before next month to make sure that there wasn't anything wrong pre-surgery. So I went in yesterday and had it done (they freakin' hurt by the way, I wanted to cry), and they found something inside me, some sort of a mass on the left hand side. The doctor didn't seem really worried about it, which was kind of reassuring, but in the few seconds after the image came up on the ultrasound screen, I have never felt that scared in my life. I felt my stomach drop and my hands went numb, I was terrified. They scheduled a biopsy for today and I went and had it done, they gave me vicodin which made me very loopy and then I watched on the ultrasound screen again while the doctor took a sample of the mass (which was actually interesting to see). I spent the rest of today pretty much knocked out at mom and dad's house. They said it would be about a week before they knew anything, so now all I can do is wait...

I'm Pretty Much Scared Out of My Mind

So, back in July I went to see a plastic surgeon and have a pre-approval sent to my insurance company about having breast reduction surgery, and a couple a days ago I got a call...and I was approved. I'm absolutely terrified and excited at the same time. I've never had any kind of surgery before and I don't know how I'll handle it. On the other hand, I am so tired of the constant pain is my back, neck and shoulders - I want to be able to have a day when something doesn't hurt. My family and friends were upset that I didn't tell them I was thinking about the surgery, but I didn't wan't anyone to know...just in case it wasn't going to happen. I'm so happy that it's finally going to happen, I'm ready for a change.